I feel gross and dirty about it. I always use condoms and I don't know where I could have got it. To make matters worse I have a new boyfriend who doesn't seem to have noticed anything wrong and now I have found out about this I am dreading telling him. Help!
OK! We have found some warts. Until someone claims to have acquired them on purpose, or to have been accidentally exposed but really stoked about it, I will assume that everyone is feeling kind of miserable and a little soiled and having a hard time coming to terms with it. This is completely understandable. Indeed, it is expected. Having an infectious disease which may affect your ability to find happiness with other human beings would certainly be harsh enough; the whole STD thing adds insult to injury.
Personally I think STDs need an image makeover. Syphilis never seems to shock anyone back when we first encounter it, in Elizabethan literature, but everyone was poxy then anyway, not to mention smelly. We have centuries of crass jokes and shame campaigns since, though, a kind of cumulative shaming which no public health department's "it could happen to anyone" campaign is going to be able to alleviate. Of course you feel bad.
I would hope–I would wish, anyway–that normalization would help. This shit is everywhere! I usually go to the CDC's site for STD statistics and here are their latest on HPV:
Approximately 20 million Americans are currently infected with HPV, and another 6.2 million people become newly infected each year. At least 50% of sexually active men and women acquire genital HPV infection at some point in their lives.That's a lot of people feeling shamed and dirty. Maybe it's time to just accept that the disease is out there, it's easy to get, and even the most cautious (well, the second-most cautious; the most-most cautious stay home and order their groceries over the internet) can contract it. Having HPV doesn't say a thing about your self-respect, your hygiene, or anything much beyond your native level of luckiness. For the record, the CDC's "how not to get HPV" advice is not all that helpful:
...even people with only one lifetime sex partner can get HPV, if their partner was infected with HPV. For those who are not in long-term mutually monogamous relationships, limiting the number of sex partners and choosing a partner less likely to be infected may lower the risk of HPV. Partners less likely to be infected include those who have had no or few prior sex partners.While safety-by-partner-choice really does work, it sure does limit the choice of potential partners, from amazing abundance (in the big cities, assuming minimum levels of datability) to one of those measly little prix-fixe menus which never have any desserts except creme brulee. What if you don't want inexperienced partners?
Here's the deal: none of you was being irresponsible; the virus got transmitted not through but around the condom, which did reduce the likelihood of transmission. Your immune system may clear it (rendering you disease-free) or it may not, in which case you may always be contagious from the are of the wart. Treating the warts won't cure you but may lower the chance of transmission, which may in turn help to make you feel less leper-like and more like your old self. Oh, and lest we forget, visible warts are the good kind of HPV! The ones that cause cervical cancer are invisible, the bastards.
Now for the bad part–you do have to tell people. You have to tell potential sex partners, and you may lose some but people who are really interested are likely to stick around. You have to tell the boyfriend, Since you just found out, you can't be accused of withholding important information. Normalize for him, bring up the CDC's statistics (50%!! How's that for company?). Get treated. Take deep breaths.
Copyright 1997-2009 Andrea Nemerson. All Rights Reserved