Beta testing

Contrary to popular belief, being the "top guy" isn't all that.

Dear Andrea:
Re this whole "alpha male" stuff I'm completely appalled that you got no letters disputing the assertion that women only want "alpha males" (read: rich gym-buffed jerks), and I just have to put in my two or three cents on the other side.

One: I've heard a lot of men complain that women "don't like nice guys/only date jerks." Not one of them was what I would call a nice guy, and I wouldn't have dated any of them on a bet. To a man, the complainers were angry, whiny, petulant, passive ... well, jerks, with chips on their shoulders and immense hostility toward women. Guys, if you're complaining that you can't get dates because women don't date nice guys, you might take a hard look at whether the phrase "nice guy" actually describes you.

Two: A lot of women have been badly burned by terminally dependent men who leeched off of them financially, and they are wary about repeating the experience. Guys, it may be that the woman you're chasing is looking for a rich man who can support her, but it may be that she just wants to make sure she gets a guy with a job who can hold up his end.

Three: What kind of women are these men going after, anyway? I know loads of fabulous het and bi women who couldn't care less about this "alpha male" crap and would be totally happy with some funny-looking brainy/arty/nerd type as long as he was smart and funny and reasonably sane and not a jerk (see above). The thing is, these women aren't necessarily what you would call "alpha females" – they're on the brainy/arty/nerd side themselves. Guys, are you only willing to date young, slim, pretty women with nice clothes and classy jobs? If so, then please shut the hell up. If you're only interested in conventionally attractive women, you have no right to complain that they're only interested in conventionally attractive men.

Finally: I am so glad I'm bi I could plotz. Dykes have their failings, god knows, but griping about how women "only want alpha males" sure ain't one of them.
Love,
Happily Beta

Dear Beta:
Not to worry – the "alpha" mail just kept on coming, and you weren't alone in wondering where all the "betas" went. Many of my readers, it seems, reject the idea that women only go for puffed-up jerks, but I liked your take best. Specifically, I don't think your point about those not-so-nice "nice" guys can be made often enough. Indeed: hostile, aggrieved, and snivelly is not nice at all. When five-year-olds act that way, they get put in the corner for time out.

I do wonder a bit about the assumption that "alpha" types must perforce be dumb or humorless, which seems implied by your contrasting them with the brainy/arty/nerdy types you (and so many of us) prefer. So many of the letters I received made this assumption or conflated Mr. Alpha with Mr. Jerk that I suddenly feel compelled to come to Mr. A's defense. Honestly, when certain pop sociologists first ripped this label from its proper place in animal psychology/behavior, all it meant was the "top guy," the one others defer to, the guy who gets the chicks. The top arty nerd in a group of arty nerds is the alpha nerd. You don't have to be dumb, athletic, or lacking in artistic sensibility.

The introduction of the odious term itself was, I fear, my fault. I was being flip, and it has come back to haunt me, as in this (otherwise dandy) excerpt from another reader's response to Lonely Guy:

"For the young man who isn't an alpha type, the hurdle to overcome is bitterness – it can be hard to see your friends living your fantasies. Bitterness is unattractive of course; it drives everyone away, including potential mates.

But it can become very apparent, soon enough, that being a beta male is a pretty good gig and that there are indeed mates aplenty out there. If I understand correctly, in animal social groups that have dominance hierarchies the beta males do get to mate, usually while the exhausted alpha male is being killed by his rivals."

Well, not precisely. Maybe among some particular species – goat-jawed macaques or something, but certainly not across the board. Different species of primate (let's not worry about wolves and whatnot) have wildly different social arrangements, and it's all up to interpretation, anyway. Studying these things tells us a lot more about the particular primate being studied than it does about us, the primates doing the studying. Try to apply this stuff too literally to humans, and we all sound like expertologists: blowhards who are more concerned with sounding like they know what they're talking about than with actually knowing what they're talking about. If we do not wish to be mistaken for Naomi Wolf, then we must forever forswear sticking bits of ill-understood scientific terminology where they don't belong, unless we're trying to be funny.

As this will be my final column on this topic (until I write another one), we may as well see what a few other readers had to say. One was pretty sure that some sort of preference is "hardwired" into women:

"... a majority of women tend to prefer men who are prominent or dominant in some manner or field ..."

The "almost asshole" cited by your forlorn correspondent may come off as a jerk to a competitor for female attention but seems confident, strong, and eminently desirable to a woman precisely because of that aggressive confident stance. Women say they want sensitive, but not at first blush. You gotta be strong first, get their interest in some way, and then show you're a nice guy."

Most of the rest, all (apparently) male, wrote in with variants on the "nice guys finish first" theme. Not all, though. There was also this, a refutation and a nice turn of phrase:

"If she says, 'You're too sweet,' run like hell."
Love,
Andrea