Ladies' man

Just be human – women will appreciate it.

Dear Andrea:
Why do women hate me?

I have been involuntarily celibate for 4 1/2 years. I cannot even get a woman to go out with me on a date. I always receive the same two responses, "I'm really busy for the next three years," or "You're such a sweet guy; I don't want to ruin our friendship." I'm not hideously deformed, socially awkward, or broke. (I also don't have the required motorcycle, ponytail, leather jacket, or full-sleeve tattoos that seem necessary to attract women in the Bay Area.) I mean, I've been thrown over at parties for guys who are too fucking loaded to even stand up. I can only reach two conclusions:

1. I've gotten this far in life being a total social retard, and I'm much uglier than I think.
2. All women are lying shallow whores.

Being nice to women does no good, and I can't bring myself to behave like the complete asshole apparently necessary to getting women to like me. My shrink has no advice. My friends have no advice. I'd ask that shithead Mark Savage, but he'd probably make fun of me in print and I would have to kill him. Shall I stick the shotgun barrel in my mouth now?
Love,
Lonely Guy

Dear Guy:
I see that you did ask Dan Savage, and I really appreciate it that you didn't point that gun at me, too, while you were at it. Of course, I'm much nicer than he is, but please don't hurt him anyway.

You've given me no reason to make fun of you, and I won't, but you still might not want to hear what I have to say. You might also consider the possibility that your shrink and your friends may actually have been offering advice all along, but it never registered as such because you didn't like it. Just something to think about. Now put down the gun and let's talk.

It's always possible that you're asking the wrong women. Are they snooty downtown investment bankers? Golddiggers? Gorgeous? Married? Gay? I assure you, even in the Bay Area (especially in the Bay Area) there are plenty of women who would welcome a decent, employed, straight, unaddicted, bright, well-spoken guy with a sense of humor. If I can pick up these desirable qualities from your short note, someone meeting you for real could hardly miss them. Unless you're doing something wrong. And no, your problem is not that you're "nice."

"What kind of men do women like?" is the sort of question that cannot be answered without recourse to the broadest generalizations, but I'm going to answer it anyway: Women do like nice. We don't like desperate, wussy, submissive, or hostile. Healthy, sane women do not generally go for complete assholes – we go for mostly-nice men who just may turn out to be assholes. Do you see what I mean? It's that slight hint of danger or unavailability that's the turn-on, not the prospect of being lied to, abandoned, or slapped around. Confident, not needy. Cool, not desperate. Desperate men are dangerous, all right, but it's the wrong kind of danger. Women like to be pursued, but few of us like to be stalked.

I submit that the women you're talking to may be hearing your internal monologue a little too clearly. "I'm a loser," you're thinking. "She's a bitch. God, I wish I had a girlfriend/She's cute/She's too good for me/That skag/I know she's gonna reject me/Shit, I wish I had a girlfriend/Who does she think she is?/I'm a loser."

Next time you meet an attractive female, try acting like a human being who happens to be meeting another human being. Instead of all this crazy miserable mixed-up love/hate shit, try projecting something like this: "This is pleasant. I could walk away any time, but I think I'll stay and chat a while instead."
Love,
Andrea

Dear Andrea:
I haven't had sex or been on a date in over six years. I'm a large man and I don't know how to approach women. Being overweight has made me very insecure. I always ask myself, why would anyone want to have sex with me? I have lost 70 pounds, but I'm still big. I'm a sales rep and do quite well at it. When I'm working I can talk to the most beautiful woman in the world. Yet when it comes to talking to them about anything else, I lock up. How can I overcome this? Are there women out there who like big men?
Love,
Large'n'Lonely

Dear Large,
There are, but they are for some reason less common than men who like big women. Whatever. There are in abundance women who like nice, interesting, well-groomed men of any size who can carry on a conversation.

You have determined that you want to lose the weight, so go ahead and do it, but don't expect that new measurements will make you a new person. You can't just shed pounds; you have to gain some backbone: "Half the country is fat. People get laid anyway. Why the hell shouldn't someone want to have sex with me?"

Recent books such as Big Big Love and Fat!So? are full of tips on learning to respect the self you've got, rather than waiting for a whole new self to magically appear "someday." Learning Annex-type programs offer classes in flirting. Fat acceptance groups organize dances, hikes, and other activities for the size-endowed. Female friends can help you chose flattering clothes and tell you how you're coming across. All of these can help, and they're all much, much more fun than dieting.
Love,
Andrea